Does It Seem Like The World Flying Past You At A Terrifying Speed?

Or do you just operate this slowly when you're teaching class?

I understand the struggles with boredom and motivation as well as anybody out there, but I feel that in your position as an educator, you should at least attempt to hide it. Instead, my classmates and myself are subjected to your droning, circular monologues that are delivered in such a stale manner they make Ben Stein sound like James Brown. Are you really that fed up?

The wedding ring on your finger is a point of much mystery and speculation. Who would marry you? Were you once a strapping young lad, capable of engaging discussion and devoid of that empty, beaten down look in your eyes? Maybe that look is because of the wife! Oh, wait... You teach classrooms full of community college freshmen, that certainly will suck the life out of a body.

I do appreciate the way you sullenly accept your miserable existence, protesting so loudly by wearing sandals with your khaki slacks. That look is impressive, a force to be reckoned with. Most people who are so far beyond giving a shit that they wear sandals to work wouldn't be bothered with pretending to be dressed appropriately by disguising the upper 90% of your body. You are channeling The Dude and Patrick Bateman and ended up somewhere in between, albeit a lot further to The Dude's side, and a hell of a lot older and more depressed.

Please quit your job before you drag the rest of us down to you dark and miserable level. Watching those sparkling young eyes dull as your elevated hum of a voice settles in is almost more than I can bear.

THIS JUST IN: You have been hospitalized for HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. How the fuck can a person who hovers narrowly above what doctors would describe as complete inactivity have high blood pressure?!?! On the bright side, you won't be coming back this semester and you have been replaced by quite possibly the single most stereotype fulfilling college professor I've ever experienced. Stay tuned for more on the "radical" Che Guevara looking, culturally conscious, anti-government rhetoric spouting gem that just been exposed!

Picking Up Where I Left Off

Hello folks. It's been a while, hasn't it? In case any of you were worried, my spite and vitriol have certainly not ceased in my absence from this blog. The lacking components were my time and the desire to keep it updated. The sparkling characters surrounding me this semester will surely prove to be enough to reignite the flame.

Here's a cursory overview of some of our potential featured subjects:

• "Jay" - A Health professor bent on making up words and "dropping knowledge bombs" on his unsuspecting students. Named for his frighteningly parallel physical and behavioral resemblance to the 40 Year Old Virgin character of the same name.
  
• The plethora of moronic students who are daily brought to the point of epiphany by the previously stated "knowledge bombs."
• An English professor who may very well be Milton from Office Space's older, somehow more depressed, brother. Never before have I encountered a person who wore their misery so overtly that they could take an entire classroom down to a level of sullen frustration in less than 15 minutes.
• The bucket hat wearing man-child who persistently tries to recruit me to be his partner in a group project for which he is the only proponent.
• A falsely eloquent middle-aged "honor student" who seems intent on misinterpreting every piece of literature she can get her hands on and kindly elucidating, for the rest of us who aren't on her level, her opinions in a squeaking, yet over salivated lisp.

Come back soon. This should be fun.

Synchronization Should Be Saved For Swimming...

...Not for idiots saying out loud every step of a math problem at just short of the exact same time that the professor does. You are just within earshot of me, and just out of earshot of our professor, and therein lies our dilemma. I don't believe you could possibly be more abrasive to everyone unfortunate enough to be within your sphere of annoyance. You are the mathematical equivalent of the guy at the gym sitting next to you wearing almost no clothing and grunting at a far louder than acceptable volume. Flex that brain, big guy!

Do you think it proves that you are more intelligent than everyone else in the class who chooses to solve their problems silently? You know, with a pencil... on paper? The only humor lies in when your dictation falls off kilter with the actual narration of the problem and you try to scramble to catch back up. I can almost feel the heat radiating off of your face when the red rushes into your cheeks after you audibly make a mistake. For a person so ashamed of failure, I would assume you wouldn't want to broadcast it to any ear that is already recoiling from your direction. Your desire for approval from all those around you must outweigh your reasonable modesty. That would also explain the frosted tips on your faux hawk and the diamond earrings...

I don't even want to go into the physical absurdity of your presence beyond what appears to be an attempt at taking the most deplorable douche traits from various subcultures and melding them all into the Voltron of douchebaggery that you represent. I'm honestly impressed, it would take a fair amount of research and effort to look like as big of a tool as you do. Thankfully, you don't falsify that assumption when you open your mouth...

In closing,
SHUT UP.